


Harry Potter and the Tight, Little Banana-Asshole

by pancakethighs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Jonas Brothers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Art, Bananas, Canon Compliant, M/M, Multi, a fair amount of bodily fluid, just kidding ha hah ahah, like pee and stuff, unicorn blood as lube, why am i bothering tagging this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 08:46:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2501699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pancakethighs/pseuds/pancakethighs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The asshole was tight and little.<br/>“Wow. It is amazing how tight -and- little this asshole is,” thought Harry. He had used a transfiguration spell to turn a once innocent banana into the tight, little asshole he currently had two fingers inserted ever so gently into.</p><p>Harry decides to have a lil fun in the potions classroom and things take a wild, sexy turn.</p><p>Written by 2.2 people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Potter and the Tight, Little Banana-Asshole

**Author's Note:**

> plz comment if you like~ WE SEEK VALIDATION.

The asshole was tight and little.

“Wow. It is amazing how tight -and- little this asshole is,” thought Harry. 

He had used a transfiguration spell to turn a once innocent banana into the tight, little asshole he currently had two fingers inserted ever so gently into. Rather than the light peach of his own skin tone, the artificial asshole was a pale yellow, decorated with small brown dots, just like the perfectly ripened banana he had transfigured just moments before. He squirted a pee drop of lube onto his ring finger and inserted it into the delicate starfish, where it happily joined his pointer and middle finger.

“After I get my pinky in there, it should be stretched out enough for me massive bear cock.” Harry thought happily, a peaceful grin on his face. He began to pump away merrily, enjoying the slopping noises the lube made as he jammed his fingers in and out of the little rectum. 

“Missssssssssster… Potter…” A voice startled Harry. He quickly pulled his lubed fingers out of the banana-asshole, dropping it in the process. There was a distinct popping noise followed by a plop as the space his fingers once occupied filled with air and the little asshole bounced on the ground. 

“P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Professor S-S-S-Sn-Sn-Snape! I was j-j-j-j-j-just…” Harry began, but Snape interrupted.

“You were just.. fingering a.. disembodied.. asshole.” Snape ran his shaking fingers through his greasy, black hair.

Harry didn’t say anything. He felt the heat of embarrassment creep up into his soft lil face-cheeks all the way from his soft lil ass-globes.

“Tell me, Mister Potter,” Snape began, “is the disembodied assholee… tight?”

“T-tight… and little.” Harry whimpered, alarmed by his growing arousal.

“Yes…” Snape said aloud, stroking his chinny chin. In a brisk motion, he swooped down like a large graceful bat to inspect the banana-rectum. “Tight and little indeed.” His large, hawk-like nose was mere millimeters from the puckered entrance. Harry felt a single bead of sweat drip down his temple as the potions professor’s tongue darted out to sample the artificial hole.

Harry didn’t say anything, choosing to wait for Snape to break the silence.

“Why isn’t it.. peach?” Snape was the timid one, now, “peach, like a real asshole?”

“It’s, um, a little on the, the yellow side because,” Harry started, “it was once a banoonoo. I snuck it out of the Great Hall after dinner. I was low on potoosiuom.” He stumbled over the words as he tried to blurt out any excuse that came to mind.

“A... banoonoo?” Snape asked, confusion stitched into his sweaty, black unibrow. He stood slowly to face the young Gryffindor. When he was fully erect, Harry noticed that something else was erect, too. It was the professor’s schlong. Harry could see it tenting the dark robes of its owner.

“Silly me,” Harry giggled like a young first-year, eyes glued to Snape’s 5 dollar footlong, “I meant to say baneenee.”

“I bet my asshole is as tight as the badoodledoo’s.” Snape’s dark stormy eyes pierced into Harry’s with a longing so intense that Harry let out a small, hentai-style gasp.

“C-Could I touch it, Professor?” Harry felt his cock twitch at the thought. He had yet to break eye-contact with Snape. Snape nodded sincerely, and, by his own accord, began to lick the banana asshole with vigor. Harry hadn’t even noticed it was in the professor’s hand, distracted as he had been by the older man’s stiffened mayonnaise cannon. Snape’s grip was tight with passion--so much so that Harry could see the soft flesh of the banoodle bulging in between the unrelenting long, pale fingers.

“Hmmmm…” Severus let out a bawdy moan, “tastes like… baneedledeep.”

“Oh, Professor,” Harry’s groan came from deep within him. Kind of like acid reflux. He wanted--no, needed--nothing more in the moment than to free his own caged erection from the confines of his wizard’s robe. 

The pitch black of Snape’s robe lifted with his hands, gliding along the contours of his body, revealing the contrast of his pale smooth skin beneath. Harry was both surprised and delighted that the older man was not wearing trousers underneath his robes. Just as Harry was reaching out to ravish Severus’s hairless thigh, the door to the potions classroom burst open. A small puff of flatulence escaped Harry’s anus in surprise. He was both alarmed and crestfallen at the same time--he wondered who could have possibly stumbled into the potion’s classroom at such a late hour. His hands felt painfully empty with the promise of grasping his professor’s own fleshy baneenis ripped away by the intruder. 

“Pottah!” Malfoy spat out the word as if it left a bad taste in his mouth, “What are you doing?!”

Harry quickly retracted his arms to his sides so swiftly he felt they might fuse with the core of his body from the pressure of impact. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself. His limbs--all of them--were in excruciating pain with a desperate need to be tangled around Severus (Yes, he was Severus now. Not “Snape”). But what would happen if anyone found out about the controversial, yet so, so sexy, situation he had gotten himself into?

“Snape, I told you not to start until I arrived.” Malfoy looked almost... jealous, Harry thought, more confused now than ever. 

Malfoy hiked up his robes to reveal the bulge beneath. For once, Harry was quick to understand. Malfoy was in on it, in on it all. I’ve seen better, Harry thought, but with a little magic it could be improved.

“Engorgio,” said Harry with zeal, his wand pointed at Malfoy’s cock-a-diddly, and his other wand pointed at Malfoy’s cock-a-diddly. 

A powerful burst of magic jet forth from the tip of Harry’s wand. It was as if the passion from their earlier events had suddenly been released like so many champagne fizzies from a corked bottle. Harry could feel a very distinct tingling in his testicles, almost as if there were a hundred little nargles nipping at his sack. He was dizzy with arousal and power and magic. Draco, on the other hand, let out a strangled noise. His penis began to swell at an alarmingly rapid pace.

“Pottah! Severus! Do something! It’s not stopping!” Draco cried as he looked back and forth between the two wizards and back down at his dangledoo, which was now enormous and still growing, and had now burst free from the confines of his trousers. The button holding them together flew off with the pressure, landing somewhere on the other side of the classroom with a clang!

Snape, though he looked alarmed, knelt down and took Draco’s engorged Nimbus 2000 in his nimble 2 hands. He brought his soft face-lips down to the tip and softly whispered a soothing shhhhhhh. With that, Draco’s once magically frenzied baby-arm seemed to calm down. It stopped growing, but had been transformed into an intimidating, but not unmanageable length and girth. It was big, beautiful, and dangerous, like an untamed albino hippogriff. 

Harry--more aroused than ever before--froze, unsure of what to do. A moment later, he began to move his wand around recklessly, but nothing happened--it was as if his wand had broken a moment before. His other wand seemed to be working just fine, as it was dripping a warm liquid down his thigh. Harry swung his hips from left to right vigorously, enjoying watching his still stiff sausage dance to and fro like the needle of a metronome, sending the warm liquid around the room. Little droplets collected on the beakers, potions books, and ingredients Snape kept around his classroom. He collected it in his arm-hands and rubbed them together until the semen had transformed into a fine paste. Mesmerized, he continued until the happy juice had become a malleable, dough-like consistency--not unlike a ripe bogey, Harry thought. He then crafted a very tiny elephant out of the organic material and felt his still rock hard member twitch as he examined its work.

“So beautiful,” Harry thought, “I am an artiste!”

Snaping back to reality, Harry suddenly noticed the discarded and abused banana-asshole lying on the ground next to Severus. With delicate fingers, he picked up the asshole and brought it to the tip of his nose. His lips trembled unattractively.

“Fruity.” Harry mumbled to himself as he took a whiff. With his eyes locked on they ever-erotic sight of Snape still caressing Draco’s wang with his cheeks, Harry inserted his own meat-whistle into the artificial asshole, letting out a moan of pleasure so loud it rattled the nearby desks. It was even tighter and littler than he’d expected.

Just like when he was a young lad, Harry’s cock exploded with only a few strokes in and out of the slick passage. He giggled softly to himself, remembering the first delicate artificial fruit-sphincter he ever penetrated. It was the summer after his second year at Hogwarts, and he was staying with the Weasley’s the week before school was back in session. He had wandered away from Ron and into the woods behind the Burrow. Stumbling upon what he assumed was someone’s garden, he found a patch of melons. He bashfully used his wand to carve a hole into a cantaloupe, for this was before he had properly mastered the art of transfiguration, and began pumping furiously into it. Within mere seconds, he had reached climax and filled the cantaloupe with his DNA, while moaning softly. 

“What a lucky melon,” Harry thought, “I am the chosen one, afterall.”

Suddenly, for the third time that evening, the doors to the potions classroom burst open. Harry, who had been watching Malfoy and Snape while bathing in the afterglow of his recent ejaculation, again felt a gust of hot air pass through his rosebud in surprise. But he was too confused to give the toot any mind, and the figure who now stood in the doorway looked just as confused as Harry.

The intruder stalked toward the three shocked persons in the back of the room. It was none other than Draco Malfoy. Another, a second Draco Malfoy. A bizarre range of emotions flooded over our intruder. Confusion, outrage, back to confusion, shock, back to outrage. Despite this, his wangle seemed to stiffen of its own accord as he took in the scene in front of him.

When Draco had first strutted in, platinum blond locks flowing, Harry's noodle was still stuffed deep in the baneedle as he leaned against one of the desks and watched the two others. His shirt was unbuttoned and he was gently caressing his sweaty pecs, which glistened in the soft light. In front of him, the other Draco was sitting, completely nude, in a giant cauldron. With one hand, Snape was holding a decapitated unicorn head over Draco, letting the hot, sticky silver blood run over the blond Slytherin’s luscious locks, creating little rivers down his back. The potion master’s other hand was busy pumping his purple headed warrior furiously. 

“Oh, Draco,” Snape had moaned, “You're my lil unicorn baby, aren’t you?”

“Yes Professor!” The other Malfoy practically screamed, “Your loyal, submissive unicorn.”

“Always?” Croaked Snape.

“Always.” Fake Malfoy replied diligently. 

The Draco standing in the doorway did not realize what he was doing until his hand was already gripping his lil hot dog in a sexual manner.  
Harry looked over and was pleased by what he saw. “What,” he started, looking Draco directly in the eyes as he took a few steps over to him. He reached out, under his robes, wanting to take what would surely be his lil hot dog, “Did your rippling sausage make eye contact with a basilisk? Because it’s as hard as a rock!” 

The intruding Draco, aroused by the shitty joke, moved even closer to Harry and laid a hand out to lean on the desk, unknowingly squashing the very tiny elephant Harry had sculpted earlier. The latter had his eyes locked on the table where his masterpiece had once stood tall and proud. He felt his semi-hard man-noodle get slightly softer as he allowed himself to briefly mourn the loss of his creation. The banana asshole slipped off his semi-soft man-nana and landed on the ground with a sad thump.  
Still holding Dracos man-noodle in one hand, Harry reached out with the other and touched the squashed pile of elephant guts. It had dried out, leaving the material hard and unable to be molded. Harry’s dreams of re-molding his tiny elephant friend were crushed. 

Intruder!Draco suddenly began peeing into Harry’s open hand. Because his throbbing pleasure stick was fully erect, the stream created a rather lovely arch through the air like a fountain. 

*[Author dispute: Person1: You can’t pee with an erection, check your facts, or rather its very difficult. Person 2: uhm he’s a pureblood and a Malfoy I’m p sure he can do w/e the fuck he wants. Person 3: I’ve PEED WITH AN ERECTION SO FUCK YOU.]*

Normally a man cannot urinate with an erection, or rather it's quite difficult, but Draco wasn't an ordinary man. He was a Malfoy, god damnit, and his penis was special. Harry felt the life surge back into his nether regions as he again witnessed art being born from man’s fluids. Not unlike a facial wash commercial, the newly inspired Gryffindor tossed the dehydrated pee-pee around his face.

“That will do wonders for my pores.” He thought, satisfied. 

Seeming to snap(e) out of a trance as his bladder was emptied, intruder Draco turned his attention back to the Draco in the cauldron. The former pointed his meat wand accusingly at the imposter and pointed his magic wand in the same direction. He walked slowly over to the cauldron until his beef bazooka was grazing the tip of his twin’s nose.

“Tell me who you are or I’ll tell my dad,” Draco spat menacingly at the Malfake.

“You’ll have to fuck the truth right out of my loins!” Fake-o screeched, unicorn blood flying off his lips. This startled Severus so much that he spontaneously ejaculated all over the the severed unicorn head that had been abandoned on the side of the caldron, as drained as Severus’s one-eyed anaconda was now. 

“Hmm. I’ve always wanted to penetrate my own banoodley-doo.” Malfoy thought, “but how could I ever get my penis inside another penis?” The blond Slytherin’s brow was stitched, deep in thought. This could be his only chance. Suddenly, the idea came to him: he would use magic!

“Meduso Peenisia!!!!!!” Draco called out, pointing his wand directly at his thingythang, which burst apart in a cloud of smoke. When the dust cleared, where Draco’s schlong once was, there was a nest of roughly 13 tiny little peens. He had always wanted to use this spell. The plan was simple: once Fake-o was out of the cauldron, he would snake one of his miniaturized slytherin’ serpents into his mysterious clone’s wanghole. 

“Come here, then.” Draco purred at Fake-o. Draco made sure to smile, wanting to lure the imposter in with kindness (and impeccable dentition), so he could shove one of his little tinky-winkies into the urethra of the fake. Before Draco could catch the imposter in the right position, Harry came over to him, eyes practically bulging out of his head with lust. 

The 13 mini zingers resembled something Harry had seen in Hargrid’s wild creatures class. Imagine the possibilities!, thought Harry, masturbating absentmindedly. Draco could satisfy them all at once. Harry’s dick was harder than when he saw Voldemort kill his mom. Harry couldn’t contain himself, he reached over to give a tickle to Draco’s new members. The 13 snakes writhed in Harry’s palm and Draco let out a moan of satisfaction. It felt like fingers to Harry, it was like an elaborate handshake with Dean, the chocolate god of gryffindor.

Harry, subconsciously leaning his face towards the mass of snakes nested at Draco’s crotch, and began to hear a quiet hissing noise. Harry fell to his knees, leaning an ear towards the lil snakies. 

“We’re sorry about your… elephant.” The snakes said, in unison. A single tear fell from Harry’s eye, crashing into the ground. A few others followed it, creating a tiny puddle at the Gryffindor's feet. As if the tears had agency of their own, they moved slowly towards the smushed semen elephant. The organic mess absorbed the salty water, and turned back into a malleable paste, ripe for sculpting. 

Harry scooped up the mass and recreated his elephant friend. A joy like he had never felt before welled up in his heart and soon travelled straight to his winglewangle. Semen leapt from his happy penis as he shuddered in delight.  
“YES!” Harry thought, “I will make an entire community of semen oolouphoodles!” He felt his heart swell with pride as he realized he was bringing back to life a previously extinct species.

In the time that Harry was creating a tiny village of beautiful semen elephants, the ~real~ Draco had lured Fake-o right where he wanted him: nude, directly in front of him, and super duper erect.

“P-pro-pr-p-p-professor,” Draco p-purred, “Would you mind coming over here to help me relax Mr. Malfoy?”

Snape, who had been idly playing with his newly engorged staff, nodded enthusiastically and moved over behind Fake-o. “What shall I… do?” 

“I want you to massage the unicorn blood...” Draco trailed off, voice thick with lust. Snape understood and instantaneously did as he asked and began to rub the thick silver liquid all over Fake-o, who closed his eyes as a soft moan escaped his lips.

“Distracted! Just as I planned!” Draco thought, holding back a deliciously evil cackle. Grasping one of the teeny-tiny peeny-weenies between his thumb and pointer finger with one hand and lightly massaging the tip of Fake-o’s pink skin bus with the other, Draco waited for the opening to expand just a little bit. When the opening was wide enough to satisfy him, Draco firmly took the meat machine in his hand and stepped as close to the imposter as possible. He looked to his twin’s face to make sure he was distracted and saw nothing but pleasure on the lines of his face. Not unlike a nurse inserting a catheter, he inserted one of his little peen snakes directly into the urethra of the imposter's wang. 

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Fake-o let out a screech of pain. The noise was unlike anything Draco had ever heard before, and it made his tiny dicks even harder. The lil snake peens hissed in unison most sexily. Had Harry been paying attention, he'd have heard what they were truly saying: "yaaassssssss" (it didn't sound that much different in parseltongue, tbh).The blood drained from the face that once resembled Draco's. The features were now rapidly shifting.

“Draco!” cried Harry, attention torn away from the now magically animated herd of semen elephants, “What is happening?”

“Excruciating pain causes the effects of Polyjuice potion to wear off.. quite rapidly.” Snape answered, grinning at Draco like an incest-practicing father. 

Standing before the horny wizards, covered in unicorn blood and completely nude, was none other than…

Joe Jonas.

“A MUGGLE?!” Draco was enraged. How he even knew of this man was a mystery.

“DON’T MUTHAFUCKIN’ TELL ME THAT I AIN’T NO GODDAMN HUSTLA!” The middle Jonas Brother bellowed from a place deep within his asshole.

Out of nowhere, Harry's obnoxiously attention-seeking scar began burning. He gasped, feeling the Dark Lord's presence in his mind. He was now seeing out of Voldie's eyes. He was in a room, alone, which he had never seen before. It was covered in posters of... The Jonas Brothers. "A muggle band?!" Thought Harry, shocked, "what if his followers found out?!"

Voldie had what Harry knew was a Kindle Fire--a muggle device--propped up on his lap, and he was listening to a Jonas Brothers track. Harry recognized it from the muggle radio the Dursleys listened to. From the corner of his eye, he saw the door to the room creek open as Lucius Malfoy's head cautiously leaned in. Noticing this, Voldemort lept out of his recliner, and sent Nagini, the only thing within reach, hurtling through the air at the intruder. "GETtttTTTTttTtttT OoOOUTttTttTTT!!!" he screeched. 

As Harry was jolted back to his present reality, he simultaneously felt a realization wash over him: This muggle who had impersonated Draco Malfoy.. Was a horcrux. He was torn. He knew he had to destroy the Jonas-crux, but he also inexplicably longed for his willy to be sheathed by its bunghole (perhaps that was the bit of Voldemort in him). Unsure of how to proceed, Harry furrowed his brow and continued masturbating.

"SNEP," chirped Draco angrily, "whet w'ya doin w'this MEGGLE?" His voice was high pitched from the intense emotions he felt. The slytherin's slytherin' snake peen had slythered out of the faux-Slytherin's dickhole and now appeared to be retching. The other snake peens were hissing violently and writhing away from the Jonas-wang in disgust. "Fucking, ew," they were screaming in parseltongue.

Snape Snape-snooped around the intruder and gave him a Snape-sniff with his powerful Snape-snout. He had a very keen sense of smell--which he had privately nicknamed "his sense of snell", short for Snape-smell--and he used this to verify the identity of the Jonascrux. 

“This is no ordinary meggle, my little slytherin.” Snape caressed his chinny-chin with his long, pale fingers. “This meggle has a piece of the… dark lord inside of him.  
Harry was looking wildly back and forth between Snape, his dick, his dark mark, Draco, his dick, Joe Jonas, his dick, and the herd of elephants with his wiener still in hand.  
“It seems that the dark lord… used a particular kind of… magic… to turn this meggle into a horcrux.” Snape put his wand back into his robes and returned to mixing a potion that no one realized he was mixing.

“How?!” Gasped Draco. He did not previously know there was more than one way to create a horcrux.

“The magic of…” Snape pursed his lips so tightly that his smile was the teeny tiniest smile possible. No one understood why he did this, “ejaculation.” Snape’s tiny grin intensified as he pointed to the Lone Jonas. “Specifically.. anal.” This information caused a swell of fresh blood to race to the very tips of all their peens.

“Anal?” Draco chirped sexily.

“Yes, Draco.” Snape began, “in the butthole.”

Harry briefly stopped masturbating in his surprise. Then, once the realization of what must be done set in, he returned to the task fervently.

Draco’s big pretty eyes met with Harry’s blind and useless ones (which aren’t even the same color as they are in the book).

“Slow it down there, Pottah,” he chirp-spat in that bad boy Draco way, “or you won’t have enough jingle jangle left to fuck the crux out of the muggle-hole.”

The three wizards in the room let out hearty laughs at the muggle’s expense.

“MIH NUME IS JOE!” The muggle yelped, hands curiously prodding his tightly clenched butthole. He knew what was coming and he was startled to realize that he still felt p into it.

Draco rolled his eyes. Muggles could be so needy. Harry drooled. Muggles could be so sexual, so homoerotic.. Snape looked cool and collected. He brought over a vial of the potion he’d been surreptitiously stirring. Joe was too frightened by the giant inky squid of a man to defend himself as the warm liquid met his lips. As soon as this happened, they shrunk and became tightly pursed, not unlike Snape’s previous teeny smile lips (yes). Now the only sounds that escaped his tiny potion-pursed lil muggle mouth were sensual squak-moans. it reminded Harry of the sounds Umbridge made when he caught her masturbating with a cat-shaped dild. It made his dick a little soft, tbh, his anus deflated (OR DID IT). 

Suddenly, Harry remembered a mysterious and, at the time, bizarre piece of advice given to him by Dumbledore right before he died. With a twinkle in his eye, he had leaned in close and said to Harry, “Even when your mind is weary and your penis is soft, you’ll always have the jingle jangle in you to fuck the crux-hole.” He had given Harry an intense but encouraging squeeze of the buns as he said this.

Fondly remembering the bun squeeze, Harry felt clarity wash over his face like urine. Without a second’s hesitation, The Chosen One’s Jonas-destroyer was plunged deep within the pop-star's hole-crux. He let out a warrior scream so fierce it would make Merlin himself shit his pants. Joe screamed a tiny potion-mouth scream-squeak as his starfish was delicately ravaged, the remnants of unicorn blood acting as lubricant. Something deep inside him ignited in a fiery blaze. A tiny bit of Voldemort was dying.

Before Harry could reach the peak of his pleasure, his goddamn scar flared, sending his consciousness far away, to wherever the fuck Voldie was hiding.  
“MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!” Voldemordle’s long, pale fingers were saturated with a strange dark brown liquid, not unlike the first days of a witch’s menstrual cycle. 

*[“His blood was fucking gross, honestly.” - JK Rowling]*

Harry and Voldemort both felt the part of his soul nested inside the bum of the pop-star fading away. We assume the pop-star himself also felt this. A lot.  
As for Joe Jonas, he suddenly found himself in a white space and wearing a gray shirt. Who’s shirt was this? He didn’t know. There was a squiggly looking gross thing on the ground. And out of the corner of his eye, through a curtain of Jonas hair, he saw a really old dude walking toward him. The dude was old as fuck. Like really fucking old. So old that Joe felt a tiny wrinkle form on his right testicle from simply looking at the dude.

Despite the old dude’s old age, Joe clenched his sphincter tight as he approached. He was wary of these magic folk and their apparent obsession with young, famous rectums.

“Unclench, sweet Jonas,” the old dude said kindly, gesturing for the sexy pop-star to take a seat.

Joe was too exhausted not to comply, so with an unclenched butthole and a small wince, he sat his tuchus down.

“Who are you? What am I doing here? What is that gross squiggly thing on the ground?” he demanded.

“I am Albus Dumbledore, and I’m powerful as fuck, you ignorant brat,” the old wizard said, mumbling the last part as he brought an oversized bong to his wrinkly lips.

“Uh.. okay.” Joe’s huge eyebrows were stitched in confusion.

“Anyway, so technically you’re dead right now.” Dumble got right to the point. 

“I’m WHAT?” The middle Jonas Brother nearly fainted.

“ur fuckin dead. But you can go back if you want idrgaf.”

“Obvi I’m gonna go back. I still haven’t had a successful solo career and I just feel like I should probably give it one more shot.” Breaking the fourth wall, Joe winked. 

“Neat-o. You just need to walk through that gate over there.” Dumbleydoo said apathetically. He pointed lazily with his left foot over to the area in which the gate was located and wiggled his teeny lil leg-toes. 

As Joe started to move over, Dumbledore called out to him again between smokey coughs. “Joseph, wait. I have something else to say.”

“Yes, P-P-P-P-P-Professor.”

“Do not pity the dead, Joe Jonas. Pity the living. And above all pity those who are too pretentious to listen to your records.”

Joe, overcome with emotion at the support of the old dude, felt a single tear roll down his cheek as he turned and made his way to the gate, to return to the world where he was simply not appreciated as a musician. Or a brother. Right before he reached the gate, he tripped on something. 

After regaining his balance, Joe peered down to see that it was the aforementioned squiggly thing.

“Is that… a banana?” Joe called out. It looked abused. Like someone had shoved their dick in it, idk.

“Nah, that’s just a piece of Voldemort’s rectum. You know, because, like, you were a horcrux or whatever, and now that part of you is all dead and so this piece of his ass represents that and.." he sighed. He didn't feel like explaining. "Get it?”

“Why… does it look like a banana?” Joe asked.

Instead of answering with words, Dumbledore just gave Joe a teeny, tiny pursed little grin and winked.


End file.
